Oscars red carpet wrap up

LEE’S TAKE

Trends: bridal, nude, black, sea foam, Special K red, embroidery, ginger hair, urns.

– Clooney found Stacey Kiebler in a Cadbury Roses box. What flavour is she inside? Her flavour is Beard.

– Rose Byrne’s ring and clutch look heavier than her.

– Maya Rudolph – She always plays one part of a smug happy couple (Away We Go, Bridesmaids, Friends With Kids) so therefore she’s annoying.

– Shailene Woodley – Missing the Princess Leia buns.

– Louise Roe – Oh there are the Princess Leia buns.  If middle school kids were given a construction project to come up with a dress that represents the Victorian era and Art Deco.

– Milla J – Can never do wrong in my eyes since we have the same birthday.

– James Cromwell – Makes me want to rewatch Six Feet Under.

– Kelly Osborne – This is how most women on the Dalston Junction platform look each morning. Also, losing weight didn’t change anything about her face.

–  Zachary Quinto – A straight version of him would be my dream man, but I don’t like his reverse navy and black jacket. Doesn’t coming out of the closet also mean knowing how to pick from one?

– Jane Seymour – Special K ad styled  by a drag queen.

– Christopher Plummer & wife – Aaawwww. Like the velvet blazer, but not with those pants.

– Jessica Chastain – All hail McQueen.

– Ellie Kemper – With a bindi, a few gold bangles, a henna tattoo and Indian man on her arm her outfit would be complete.

– Judy Greer – Wow ginger is really the hair colour of the season. I love her as she always plays the cynical bitch. Didn’t like the dress at first but it’s growing on me, even though I feel compelled to ride my bike on it.

– Missy Pyle – Good on her for wearing a sustainable gown. If by sustainable you mean recycling hospital shower curtains from the 1960s.

– Slater seems to look younger every year. Must be those burgers from The Max.

– Tony Bennett & Pharrell have exactly the same cheekbones.  Is Tony Pharrell’s dad?!?

– Viola Davis – Even she is going with the ginger trend. Her boobs look like they’re being attacked by a carnivorous plant. The skirt of her dress makes me think: whale fin, shark attack, water fountain.

– Michelle Williams – Trying to rival Zooey D for the crown of Twee Indie Queen with her preference for bows on dresses. Also, tangerine and pink clash. I wouldn’t be surprised if her clutch had Hello Kitty on it.

– An Asian woman who I thought was Vera Wang is wearing black and white…like the panda the woman next to her is holding. Way to represent.

– Matthew Lillard – Stick your tongue out! Also, I think you came to the wrong place. You need to step in a time machine to go to the MTV Movie Awards in 1997.

– Rooney Mara – Another bride on the red carpet. This dress is actually pretty cool and I love her Sean Young-esque hair and makeup. On related but different note, today I met Mark Zuckerberg’s doppelganger.

– Virgina Madsen – not sure if any actress over size 6 can get away with wearing a big purple dress without comparisons to Grimace. Emerald earrings are nice though.

– Glenn Close – lives up to expectations of being a constant red carpet fail but her hair looks great.  Look, the outfit isn’t too bad for someone her age but I never thought algae was a nice colour.

– Diddy & J Lo – Him and J Lo should get back together to recreate that classic Grammys red carpet moment from 2000 when she wore an ultra low cut sheer palm print Versace dress.

– Melissa Leo – Is that a split in her dress or is it actually a jumpsuit? Looks like this dress took inspiration from either a Hasidic Jewish bridesmaid dress or indie girls circa 2006 who wore t-shirts under strapless dresses.

– Michel Hazanavicius – wearing the smug look of a man who knows he is going to win thanks to his fairy godfather Harvey Weinstein.

– It’s a good thing The Artist was B&W. Look at her hair colour.

– Nate Berkus…is with a woman.

– GARY OLDMAN & GF FTW.  Definitely the best dressed man.

– Sasha Baron Cohen – I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.  That urn makes you look really fit.

– Tina Fey – I LOVE YOU TOO BUT THAT DRESS MAKES YOU LOOK PREGNANT AND YOUR SHOW HAS GONE DOWNHILL.

– Anna Faris – Perhaps this dress would look stunning in person but it’s not been taken at the best angle. Black isn’t the best on her. Also, why is she here? The Razzies were last week weren’t they?

– Nat Portman – as much as I love red and black polka dots it looks too casual for a fancy gown and the diamonds don’t go with it either.

– Leslie Mann looks like she’s got a scarf wrapped around her hips because of a period stain on the back.

– GOOP – Despite my thoughts about her I love the cape and wrap. Another woman gets an idea for her wedding dress. Imagine if they stayed together.

– But then he would have missed out on this:

– Penelope Cruz – This was my favourite colour when I was 4. Dress doesn’t really have a wow factor. It’s a bit like a flamenco or pirate’s wife dress dipped in violet.  I wonder if she has swords strapped to her legs.

– Emma Stone – Gorgeous but Andrew Garfield as an accessory would have perfected her look.

– Wendi Deng – Where is your husband? Is he on a newspaper run giving out copies of The Sun on Sunday or is he busy Tweeting?  Are you wearing an armour plate because you’re scared someone is going to throw a pie at you?

– Paul Feig, Busy Philipps, Jason Seagal – Freaks & Geeks reunion please.

– They’re letting a record amount of us into the Oscars this year (who are not Lucy Liu, animators, classical musicians or auditors).

Eduardo Saverin: It’s not that guys like me are generally attracted to Asian girls. It’s that Asian girls are generally attracted to guys like me.
Dustin Moskovitz: I’m developing an algorithm to define the connection between Jewish guys and Asian girls.
Eduardo Saverin: I don’t think it’s that complicated. They’re hot, they’re smart, they’re not Jewish and they can’t dance.

-Helena Bonham Carter, Tilda Swinton, Chloe Sevigny – Being too cool for the Oscars this year, I am sure they are wearing awesome “Don’t give a fuck what you think” outfits wherever they are tonight.